Broken Black Girls

You don’t have to be a bitch to get ahead! I have never been the girl that went with the crowd nor was I popular. I always stood on my own, in my own lane, as the awkward black girl. I was never “black enough” for the “it girls” and I damn sure didn’t want to be white. I just always wanted to be me. The weirdo Harry Potter loving, freaked out, comical strange bird. I’ve literally been who I am my entire life.

Sure I’ve wanted a fat ass, less fupa, and no dark circles around my eyes, but at the core of who I am I love me. I always gravitated more towards boys or men because they get me, we’re not in competition, and I can just be my unfiltered self. Every ex I had always thought it was dope that I was like the perfect homie and a girlfriend simultaneously. I’ve just never been a bird ass female.

Over the course of my 30 years of living and learning to love on me, I find it difficult to understand women who don’t operate the same. I have maybe 3 people that I consider genuine friends and none of them are bird ass females either. They don’t waste our conversations belittling other people, they’re not haters, and they all just want us to win together out here. But the birds, there are so many women out here so consumed with what everybody else is doing, not doing, how they’re living, or not living, who they’re fucking, and who played them that they forget to just be who the fuck they themselves are intended to be.

Is it really that difficult to exist for your own approval, to worry about your own self, and focus on your own shit without putting down other people like your shit doesnt stink? I see women pretend to be happy in dead end relationships that serve up nothing but mediocre dick and headaches put down other women like me for being single and open about wanting to be loved correctly. Sis I’ll take this journey over that any day because I’ve been there and I’ve done that! But the difference with me is that I’m an open book. I don’t hide who I am, what I’ve been through, or my poor choices I’ve made along the way. We all get a turn to be dumb for someone or for several people so who am I to judge you as if I wasnt in your shoes?

See I’m a believer that if more women stood together, tried to honestly be their unfiltered selves towards one another, and practiced real sisterhood we’d be much better off. Instead though, most of you prefer to be birds who sit around and talk down about the next woman, put her down like your shit doesnt stink, & try to make her feel worse about her circumstances because you perceive yours to be better. Who raised you people?

The overall goal should be elevation for not just yourself, but for those around you that you engage with on a constant basis. Bosses, friends, neighbors, co workers, and even associates. Let’s practice elevating each other, adjusting people’s crowns without waiting to he noticed for doing it, and truly engage in honest sisterhood.

Reciprocity is defined as the practice of exchanging things with others for mutual benefit. Seems simple enough in theory, so why is the practice itself so difficult? They say when you do things for others, it should be from the kindness of your heart without expecting anything in return. I think that’s a fair, wise statement, but I also think its flawed.

Human nature dictates that people may want to feel needed by others but they also want to feel they have people in their corner willing to do the same for them. I personally don’t see anything wrong with that. I believe myself to be a kind, generous person who genuinely cares about the well being of others. I do things out of that genuineness without expecting a return. However, in my experiences I’ve come to learn that most people are more willing to take than to give leaving givers like myself depleted and defeated. We are told that we shouldn’t live expecting from others, but I think that’s bullshit.

I believe that everyone is entitled to a modicum of basic respect and reciprocity. If I am giving you my time and you can’t give yours in return, then out of respect don’t waste mines. If I give you my love and you can’t give yours in return, say that shit then so I can move accordingly. If I give you anything material, when I need you later down the road be there. I think reciprocity is a simple concept. Most are just too selfish to give anything to those that openly and willingly give to them.

It’s easier to be a taker and theres no sense of personal accountability. So while I am a giver by nature, I’m reserving my gifts, kindness, love, and all that shit for people who earn it first.

How can you pour into someone if your glass is empty? A question I’ve asked myself more and more in the past year or so. As women, we are givers of life and love. It’s supposedly an innate ability we were born with. To love freely, openly, & allegedly without waiver. I question however the validity of the extent of our love.

Are we really predestined to love unconditionally or has society conditioned us to believe that women are supposed to love without conditions? Furthermore, what does loving without conditions truly mean in the context of a womans love? Does it mean we should be willing to cast our core values to the side and accept less than? Or does this simply mean we just accept someone in their entirety? And what happens when who they are does not correlate with our needs and our core values? Do we then just stop loving them all together or are we really expected to not love until the conditions for our needs have been met? I have questions and I hope somewhere on my journey I gain some solid answers, insight, or clarity.

I have trudged along for some time now being a giver of love. Constantly pouring into the men I choose to love, filling them up with confidence, knowledge, & that love they tell you about in love stories. Don’t get it confused, I love love so I won’t lie about that or pretend, but I dont give it to any and everyone. I am not so desperate for anything that I’ll accept anything. I have truly loved only 4 men in my life. When I love, I love with no restraint. No brakes as they say ha! But through my love experiences, I’ve learned that I’ve made the mistake of continuing to pour into those I choose to love without first pouring into myself. Somewhere along the way, I lose sight of the fact that I, too, need to be full long before I begin to pour into anyone else. None seem to honor my cup the way I have theirs. The world stops when I’m in love and I keep plunging deeper and deeper until I lose myself.

Wow…clarity finally! 30 plus years of loving incorrectly will have you out here behind in life and behind on yourself. I’m 30 trying to figure my shit out so that I can break this generational curse. This cycle of loving a man so much I forget to love & nurture myself first.

I wrote a list last 2 weeks ago of all the things that make me happy. I intend to spend my time working through that list to ensure that I experience everything in this life that makes me happy to its fullest extent. My children, painting with a twist, traveling, the beach, summer rain, concerts, outdoors,reading, writing, and being loved & appreciated. Yikes- the last one I know, but I’m being honest. It’s my unfiltered truth. I’ll work on everything at the top first and foremost. I’m realizing that while it makes me happy, I can’t rely solely on that love or I’ll keep on pouring into those cups and neglecting myself.

What I’m saying is simple: work on doing what makes you happy first. Fill yourself with vast knowledge of self and the world & everything you love to do and experience. What’s meant to be ours will come and we’ll attract it naturally without force.

I remember the moment I realized my magic was fading. It was a little over a year ago and I was on a school bus chaperoning my sons trip to the Arden Theater and I remember riding down Walnut street on that bus just crying. I felt this overwhelming sadness that I couldn’t shake and I just pulled out my phone and started writing. This is what I wrote:

I hated myself long before I even knew what love was. The blackness of my skin. My short, nappy hair. My pig shaped nose. The dark circles around my eyes. They all were just a daily reminder of just how ugly I was. Socially awkward. I dressed funny. I wasn’t cool. I had no friends. No one liked me. No one wanted to play with me. As I grew older the need for validation tormented my soul. The fake friends, the liars, the manipulators, the users, the sex, the alcohol, the partying, the drugs, the life that was never intended for me was mine and I hated it but I needed the attention. These people, places, & things made me feel validated. Gave me purpose. Gave me life. So I chased them and it. For 30 years I’ve chased them and it and them over and over and over again… and after 30 years I still hate myself. Hold your head high, shoulders back, don t let the world see you’re weak. Walk like a Queen so they don’t see that you’re nothing more than a peasant that hates herself. Paint your face in the mirror. Make it pretty. They’ll notice. You’ll feel good. It worked most days, but not anymore. The ugly pours through the makeup. Not enough to cover that I am not pretty. Not beautiful. So I chase those people, places, & things to make myself feel good until they get tired of me or my body gets tired of it..begging them to stay so that I didn’t have to face myself alone. So that their rejection couldn’t break my heart or my spirit once again. Each time I was broken, i got back up and chased another validator to make me feel…whole. But now there’s nothing left to pick up. My spirit has been broken for so long i don t remember it’s warm resilient reminder that life is good. People are good. Love is…good. I am in pieces that I cannot seem to get back together. I can’t catch my breath. I’m suffocating in my self hate. My daily torment. I wake up wishing I was smaller, prettier, richer, wanted, loved, appreciated, valued & that I could love myself! Wishing i could be seen! I’m breaking more every day. Sinking deeper into my hatred and self pity. My children…what will my children think of me? They keep me afloat, but it’s not enough to stop the sinking feeling i have in my soul. I’m filled with pain…make it stop. Make me right for once. I’m a black girl with no magic. No love for herself. No spark to fuel the fire dying to burn inside me and ignite my life! Im broken inside. Dying more and more each day. I want to be free!

I’ve always ‘thought” of myself as a confident woman who has never needed validation from others to feel worthy. Attention seeking was never my thing and I have always preferred to stay in the background. I’ve come to a point quite recently where I find myself questioning my ideals, myself, my WORTH. I’m realizing that I am broken and I can’t quite figure out how to extricate myself from this low place in my life. One of the most difficult places to be is in your own damn head!

Why am I here at this point…right now? For weeks I’ve been perplexed about this conundrum I find myself in. Torn between who I was and who I want to be. Not feeling appreciated, valued, cared for, or simply loved back. Feelings of discontentment for where I am, who I’ve been, and who I should have been by now. I am uncomfortable to say the least, but more importantly I am hurting and I am filled constantly with sadness. It’s an overwhelming sadness at that. One I can’t seem to shake for more than a day at best. I keep wondering why I place myself in the line of fire every time. Allowing the same triggers to catapult me into a despondent state I can’t seem to get myself out of.

Societal norms perceive any act of openness about your feelings to be a cry for attention. Fuck that and fuck you for even applying that label to people who just want to figure some shit out openly. Social media has us believing we have to showcase the best, filtered versions of ourselves. No one is real, raw, or transparent! Do it for the gram and the gram doesn’t give a fuck about how you really feel! I have harbored my feelings of sadness for a long time now and I’m sick and tired of not living in my truth! I am a black woman who does not feel her magic most days! I’ve used sexuality, drugs, and alcohol to ignore myself. I just want my freedom, my voice back, my light! I miss me! Most will call me emotional, too much, or over the top…but fuck them! I’m just trying to find my light!