I opened eyes today and I laid frozen in place plastered to my bed. I could feel the cool breeze flowing through my window as the sun cascaded across my face. The scent of trees, grass, & burning wood prickled my nose as I laid still. Subtle reminders of the beauty of life all around me from the moment I open my eyes.. There to greet me each day, yet I can’t move.

I laid there awake for hours slowly allowing those dark waves to drown me silently. Every morning those waves come and every morning I lay there stuck. Stuck trying to figure out how I can try to stay afloat for the day. Paddle enough to keep my head above water so that I don’t succumb to the darkness that’s constantly surrounding me. Constantly pulling me, weighing me down, suffocating me silently. Every morning I lay there feeling defeated and in fear of how far the darkness will take me. I can’t eat, sleep, think, or just be. I can’t fucking BREATHE!

I am overwhelmed constantly with nothing to comfort me but my wicked, dark thoughts. I can’t look in the mirror without hating myself a little more than the day before. I’m weak and lost and I can’t seem to save myself from my own depravity. Where the fuck is the light? Where is my solace? Where is my peace?

Have you ever felt invisible in the middle of a crowded room? Unseen, unknown, unheard, unfelt, & unwanted. I can see everyone so vividly from the inside out. I can feel their presence, their warmth, their pain, yet they don’t see me. I’m standing in the middle of the room with my arms outstretched trying to get their attention, but they still can’t see me. I’m screaming as loud as I can, but they can’t hear me.

I used to radiate a warmth that would fill the room, but sadly I’ve turned cold. Dead to their senses, I’ve become a shell. An inanimate object with no life force recognizable to anyone. And no matter how many people fill the space of the room, I still feel alone. I crave a gentle touch. I yearn to be held. To be heard. To be seen.

I’ve always felt invisible in a crowded room full of people. Trapped inside this box with no way out and I want to scream! Release me from this empty space. Release me to a place where I can be seen. Where I can be felt. Where I just can be….

I’m the sustenance he needed to nourish his soul. The drink he needed so badly to quench his thirst from a world that left him parched and alone. I was the first aid kit he needed to mend his broken spirit. I was everything he needed in the moment, but nothing he wanted for a lifetime. I was everything he needed to be better for her. To help him love her. I was his saving grace, but who was there to save me? His love was temporary at best. A quick fix to get him through troubled times in his life with no real plan in sight for me. I was never the end goal, just someone riding the bench who’d never get a chance to play. How had I done this to myself? Allowed myself to be used and abused in this way? Allowed someone so unworthy to take away all my pride. To strip me of my self worth. To dictate how and when I should and could be loved by someone who was never even worth a view of my table much less a seat. I’m supposed to be a Queen, but with you I was more like a pawn in this game called life. You used me as a means to an end and now the jokes on me. Checkmate for you.

My spirit is broken and I don’t have the means, energy, or resilience to put it back together. I swore I’d never be here in this desolate place again and certainly not like this. The hate in my heart is stronger than my mind and I can’t control it. I hate you. I hate this. I hate ME! I hate me for being so naive to believe the lies you fed me on a silver platter. They tasted so good from the moment they entered my mouth and I digested every single lie like it was the world’s most decadent meal I’d ever eaten. I swallowed that shit like I hadn’t eaten in weeks. All the years of training my mind to be stronger than my emotions meant nothing. It is nothing because I am nothing. I feel nothing. I look in the mirror and I see nothing looking back. You took my pride away. You stripped me of the little shred of dignity I had left and you left me naked and alone. I am at my lowest and I can’t get up. You kicked me and I stayed down. The only thing I have left in me is the anger and resentment I feel for you. For what you did to me. For the place you left me in. For abandoning me after you left me low. For reminding me I was never good enough to be a choice. For instilling in me this level of self hatred I can’t seem to shake. I hate you and as much as I’d like to say I don’t, as badly as I want to regurgitate those words the second they leave my lips, I can’t. I hate you with every fiber of my being. I hate that you have placed me in this mental state to feel so much and so little for you when I felt everything for you before. I felt one with you. I felt lost in you. Now here I am alone and facing my demons one by one. The thought of you ceasing to exist brings me a chilling peace I fear. I have never been more afraid of my thoughts as I am now. I have never been more alone than I am now. I have never been more hurt than I am now. I have never been more humiliated than I am now. You took away my touch with all the good in my life and i feel nothing. I am nothing.

And it’s in these still, silent moments when my emotions race faster than my thoughts and all words fail to form that I am the saddest and at my lowest. And it’s in these moments that I just want to hop in my car & drive with no destination in sight. Anything to escape the suffocation I feel when I try to process these feelings I can’t seem to drift away from. I am in love with him & I have no escape from that reality. No solace or comfort. No welcoming, open arms awaiting loves grand entrance. I have me, my lonely, cold bed, & those impeding thoughts of….you. Because it is you who I desire, crave, think of the minute I open my eyes and the second I fall asleep. Those sweet dreams of you, that chocolate skin, and that charisma. I love everything about you down to your brokenness, your hurt, & your shame that you bury deep away from me. I love that way your voice inflects & deepens when you go into character or pump your gas as we say. Your love isn’t forced like my last relationship…it fucking flows so natural it scares the shit out of me. How am I this in love when I haven’t known you that long, but yet you feel like home. I am…ME with you. I am silly, rambunctious, curious, obedient yet still rebellious, reserved and comical. I keep myself balanced most when I am with you or talking to you. You add something I cannot replicate or care to remember ever encountering in the first place yet I desire it so deeply I shake to my core. You have lit a fire in me that runs it’s course from my mind that you constantly stimulate down to my heart you hold so fucking tender. You keep showing me that I’m not just a good time. You love me. And it’s not that warm fuzzy feeling but rather the action you show in small, meaningful ways. You listen and remember which shows me you’re thoughtful and attentive. You give me as much time as you can in our circumstance and you are open. You don’t tire of me and you make sure that I know I’m on your mind and loved. Unlike the pressures of anyone else, I desire only to be drowned in your presence. I don’t want to do anything but spend time alone with you naked and open and raw. Peeling back more layers of you and seeing your hidden depth, your astuteness, & your heart that beats so big for almost anyone that crosses your path. You are beautiful King and you better recognize your worth….because I do. And you are more valuable than rubies & gold. To have a heart that has lived through the things you have and still have the capacity to love in this world alone. You are royalty indeed my love and I admire your glory. So much love, yet the pain lingers suffocating the air with it’s overwhelming presence. I want you to be my future, my everything blended with my everything. You are magnanimous, but not mine. Kind but not mine. Handsome but not mine. My soul mate but not mine. Love is knowing and unpossessive. I won’t try to possess you, because knowing you is a gift in itself. So for now, I’ll suffer and let the pain linger until my heart makes me face what reality could be…

I’m having a moment today….

There’s not a soul alive than can convince me that feeling lonely and being alone are perfectly normal. You can’t tell me that craving intimacy isn’t normal. I wake up so many days, like today, wanting to be held by a man that unconditionally loves every inch of me. A man whose heart, intentions, & love I don’t have to question. A man who I dont have to second guess about not being there tomorrow or next week because he’s a coward or so fucking wrong for me. I know I can’t be the only person who feels this way. Somone who longs for that sacred human connection.

They tell us that you are supposed to feel whole by yourself, but honestly thats a bunch of bullshit. We are designed to be with someone. We are designed to love and be loved. We are designed to have partnerships full of love, intimacy, transparency, and trust. Humans were not designed to be alone. Some of us are just more connected and in tune with that fact than others and that’s ok. Just don’t try to convince me that it’s not ok for me to feel this way. That I should be ok with my solitude. I’m not ok with it. I accept it because that’s what I have to do. I accept it because I dont want to be half loved. I accept it because that’s my reality for the time being. But I hate it here & I deserve more…

Sadly I must confess: I have never known what it feels like to be comfortable in my own skin. No, no I edit that: I dont even know what my own skin feels like!

All my life I’ve found myself searching for the perfect version of myself meant to walk this earth. That black girl with joy who emanates radiance, royalty, & abundance! She lights up every room she enters, captivates everyone’s attention, & naturally commands respect! She is everything I always searched & longed for. A desire to be the perfect vision of black girl magic! Who the fuck could stop me?!

I wanted so badly to feel like I could just be myself, but I’ve never even known who the fuck I was meant to be! Walking constantly in the shadows of powerful women who I’ve admired, respected, & wished I could be just like.

I always felt out of place, weird, quirky, & just not- me! I spent years searching for the perfect version of myself learning to quiet my voice, bite my tongue, & hide my weirdness that I did not realize made me so unique. I’ve hidden my true self from most of the world for most of my life & now I’m wondering what the fuck is wrong with me?!

I am so wonderfully & divinely created, you could never replicate me. All those years of hiding behind my makeup and material possessions, forgetting that the core of me is what makes me stand out. That my big heart will be perfect for the right people. That If I use my voice, stop hiding in the shadows, & live TRULY I will be everything I’ve wished and hoped I’d be because I’ve been her all along. I’ve been hiding in plain sight from a world full of people that have been willing to see me, accept me, embrace me and all my weirdness, my quirks, my jokes, my smile, my laugh, my pain, my tears….the FULL essence of me!

I am amazing and I no longer desire to be anyone but me! I no longer require approval, half ass love, dead energy, or men who will willingly share my bed before they even try to understand my heart & mind. I require nothing but growth, peace, & abundance! I require nothing but to live in my own skin and to love it there!

Lately I’ve been waking up feeling different. Uncomfortable. Liberated, yet trapped. A slave to my thoughts & my emotions. My freedom feels more like a prison sentence some days. I feel trapped inside of the old version of myself. Old habits are no longer suiting me. I’m no longer ok with not being ok. I’m no longer accepting half effort. I’m no longer ok with being half loved, half cared for, half noticed, or half understood. I crave freedom from restriction while simultaneously craving a love that rocks my soul to the core.

I’ve accepted less and settled for my entire adult life and I no longer desire to be that version of myself. I’m tired of feeling whole but broken. Of feeling used and useless. I know that I’m worthy, yet I feel so powerless most days.

I’m done placing myself in positions to receive less than I deserve, yet the thought of being loved scares me immensely. However, I’m ready to release myself from fear. I’m ready to grow into everything I know I’m meant to be. I’m ready to fly….

You fucking slut! You mean to tell me after all that, you still out here slinging your pussy like you don’t mean shit? Giving these niggas that pussy before they even get your last name? Tell me, do you hate yourself that much or are you just that fucking sick? Why dont you love yourself? Do you know who you are? Do you even realize how valuable you are? Sis, you are the sun, the moon, & the stars! Your ancestors were the mothers of this earth! Why do you fight so aggressively against who you are? They don’t even deserve half your energy, yet you give them access to your entire being. Instead of finding a man to pray with you, you fall for the ones who just prey on you. Prey on your vulnerability, lack of self esteem, your lack of love for you. You exert all your energy loving the idea of love coming from men who will never love you! I know you see it! I know you get it! So why the fuck wont you open your eyes more and close your legs less? Fucking your pain away wont heal old wounds. It’s time to step into your power, reclaim your mothafuckin time, & live your best life without seeking approval from men who can’t do shit for you but make you cum half the time! The essence of you is so divine without a bit of sex needed. You are a goddess….walk like one. You are a Queen, talk like one. You are beautiful, so acknowledge that shit & move accordingly and with intention. We’re rooting for you sis. We see you. We love you. We value you. We are you!