I opened eyes today and I laid frozen in place plastered to my bed. I could feel the cool breeze flowing through my window as the sun cascaded across my face. The scent of trees, grass, & burning wood prickled my nose as I laid still. Subtle reminders of the beauty of life all around me from the moment I open my eyes.. There to greet me each day, yet I can’t move.

I laid there awake for hours slowly allowing those dark waves to drown me silently. Every morning those waves come and every morning I lay there stuck. Stuck trying to figure out how I can try to stay afloat for the day. Paddle enough to keep my head above water so that I don’t succumb to the darkness that’s constantly surrounding me. Constantly pulling me, weighing me down, suffocating me silently. Every morning I lay there feeling defeated and in fear of how far the darkness will take me. I can’t eat, sleep, think, or just be. I can’t fucking BREATHE!

I am overwhelmed constantly with nothing to comfort me but my wicked, dark thoughts. I can’t look in the mirror without hating myself a little more than the day before. I’m weak and lost and I can’t seem to save myself from my own depravity. Where the fuck is the light? Where is my solace? Where is my peace?