I’ve always ‘thought” of myself as a confident woman who has never needed validation from others to feel worthy. Attention seeking was never my thing and I have always preferred to stay in the background. I’ve come to a point quite recently where I find myself questioning my ideals, myself, my WORTH. I’m realizing that I am broken and I can’t quite figure out how to extricate myself from this low place in my life. One of the most difficult places to be is in your own damn head!

Why am I here at this point…right now? For weeks I’ve been perplexed about this conundrum I find myself in. Torn between who I was and who I want to be. Not feeling appreciated, valued, cared for, or simply loved back. Feelings of discontentment for where I am, who I’ve been, and who I should have been by now. I am uncomfortable to say the least, but more importantly I am hurting and I am filled constantly with sadness. It’s an overwhelming sadness at that. One I can’t seem to shake for more than a day at best. I keep wondering why I place myself in the line of fire every time. Allowing the same triggers to catapult me into a despondent state I can’t seem to get myself out of.

Societal norms perceive any act of openness about your feelings to be a cry for attention. Fuck that and fuck you for even applying that label to people who just want to figure some shit out openly. Social media has us believing we have to showcase the best, filtered versions of ourselves. No one is real, raw, or transparent! Do it for the gram and the gram doesn’t give a fuck about how you really feel! I have harbored my feelings of sadness for a long time now and I’m sick and tired of not living in my truth! I am a black woman who does not feel her magic most days! I’ve used sexuality, drugs, and alcohol to ignore myself. I just want my freedom, my voice back, my light! I miss me! Most will call me emotional, too much, or over the top…but fuck them! I’m just trying to find my light!